Pregnant man blog

Neonode N2. A new breed is born

The Birth Certificate

Welcome to the world!

70 grams, 77 mm high. So small and yet so full of life. I can’t explain how proud I am. Well, this is good bye. Thank you all for visiting my blog. Thanks for all your support, advices and interesting e-mails. Now I will concentrate on being the world’s greatest dad!
/Björn

P.S In a couple of hours I will upload the Birth Certificate, for those of you who are interested in all the wonderful things my baby can do.

It is time.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Isn’t there a way to reverse this thing? I am seriously freaking out.

The newborn's conspiracy:

Just a few hours left. What if this helpless-baby thing is all a scam? What if they are all just faking it? The signs are there, you know. They don’t talk. They don’t walk. They just lay there “crying”. Or “sleeping”. But I am on to you, you sneaky mini-people. You will not be laughing behind my back.

Monster feet.

I can’t take this pregnancy any longer. The pain, the shortness of breath, the swollen feet. My beautiful feet have become monsters. My shoes don’t want anything to do with them! My shoes reject my feet and I’m left there standing like a fool in the hallway, wearing nothing but white socks! But they are comfortable white socks. Very comfortable indeed.
They are my friends.

Get out, already!

Apparently, there are a lot of ways to speed up the start of the labors. Climbing stairs, for example. I do not like stairs. Too straight angles. Still I’m taking them now. Walking and moaning. Pretentious escalator-wannabes.

Ready for take-off.

My body is getting ready and the autopilot has taken over. His name is Faxer we first met at summer camp 1971. He taught me how to swim under water. Ah, the memories … I don’t remember where he lives, though. Somewhere in Holland, I think. Anyway. Faxer’s voice is firm, which makes me feel relaxed. I snuggle up. Authorities have a calming effect on me.

Push it.

Liar, liar. Pants on fire!

I lied to myself yesterday. I told my self that eating that cookie was a way of reliving suppressed memory of a passed life. I was Bonaparte. Leading my troops towards the Russians, and of course d I had to replenish myself with energy, hence the cookie. Ten minutes later I had eaten an entire box of cookies. This was of course another of those previous life memories. Not an actually event. Damn liar!! I was cuddly with blue fur and crazy eyes. Not to mention a massive craving for cookies. I woke up on a pile of cookies and with a white mustache. I must have gained at least 8 pounds in a half day.
Maybe lying isn’t as rewarding after all. Damn pregnancy, thank God it’ll all soon be over.

Eastern wisdom in practice:

Eastern wisdom in theory:

Yoga. I like yoga. I like the sound of it – jowgah! So many vowels – 75% of the word to be exact. It’s also helping my breathing. When you’re pregnant, you feel heavy and you breathe heavy. I like elevators, press the button and BING – you’re there. And escalators; just pick a step and stand. If you stand there long enough, you’ll get there. You appreciate these things a lot more when you’re pregnant. I don’t like escargot, tough.

A glimpse of happiness

I woke up thinking of blue. Light blue, azure blue, cobalt and navy – all very happy thoughts. Then I thought about turquoise. So now I am miserable again.

Sneek preview of my unborn child.

An amazing discovery.

Wow! My belly button just popped out. A skin colored button, just waiting to be pushed. And when I did, the lights went out and I found myself lying on the floor. Exciting!

Another night without sleep.

The state between awake and asleep is killing me. My back is sore, I miss sleeping on my belly and the bed feels lumpy. “Go to your inner happy place” the voices tell me. So I go to carpentry class, fine polishing a wooden butter knife. I take a deep breath and let the scent of alabaster, pine and juniper fill my nostrils, and… It all comes back to me now. Can’t. Breathe. Allergic. Reaction. Crap – now I am wide-awake.

My home is my labyrinth

I am walking in circles. I start in the kitchen, aiming for the living room, but end up in the kitchen again. Over and over again. Always clockwise. Walking counterclockwise feels very unnatural.

It is exhausting doing nothing.

Revelation!

My belly just made a strange sound! At first I thought it was gas, but then I heard the sound of a trumpet. Or maybe an oboe. Hard to tell.

Craving of the day: Plastic

I woke up with an undefined craving for the feeling of synthetic material against my skin. At first I tried on a pair of rubber gloves. It didn’t do it for me. Then I stroked my palm with a spatula. Still nothing. Finally, I cut a plastic bag in to tiny pieces, mixed it with water and poured the blending it into an ice tray. The sensation of the crispy, cold plastic cubes between my teeth…ahh….Good bye life. The pleasure just killed me.

I love eggs. I hate eggs. I love eggs. I hate eggs.

Damn you, body. Damn you.

I am beyond science

I can sleep standing up. I didn’t think it was possible. I am a very unique individual. Yesterday I slept for 2 hours while looking in to the fridge. So what!? I was hungry! Don’t you dare calling me a slob. I am warning you.

Livin' large

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of my fruit.

Stuck in limbo.

I am counting the days now. This big belly-thing feels like an eternity. Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into an eternity. I’m stuck in a never-ending rat race (forgive me, Lafayette). Today, I tried to walk around in a wig. Then, when I passed a mirror, I wouldn’t react to my ugliness with upset tears and heartbreak – I would just think that it was some stranger walking by. It didn’t work. I passed a mirror and realized that I was a pregnant old lady with a bad hair day. Panic attack.

Everything is funny.

I’ve been laughing for 3 hours now. I can’t stop laughing. Everything is funny. Everything! Even that weird thing behind the refrigerator.

If you smile at the world, the world smiles back at you.

My wife was supposed to give me a really bad (bad as in cool) tattoo on my tummy today. Not a real one, of course, but one that looks real. I thought it would give me that “pregnant biker”-vibe. I asked her to write “thug life” or perhaps “steel child”. She didn’t. Traitor.

I'm gonna be a great parent.

“Here I come to save the daaaay!!!” I’m up with the morning dew, feeling ripe as an Italian peach. I started yodeling something from La Cage aux Folles this morning and got the old “pounding on the wall”-ploy from my neighbor. But it was 06:15 – so what’s his problem? But I didn’t even get upset. I turned the other cheek. I’m gonna be a great parent.

No comment

Yesterday, my neighbors complained about loud shouting and yelling, but I don’t remember shouting. I slept all day. I’m actually the silent type. Ask my old gym teacher, Mrs Johnsson.
She knows... she knows.

Feeling like...

I’m a freak. Look at me. I used to be handsome. Can you tell? I bet you can’t. I’m spending my days in grey pajamas, looking like an old couch. Jesus Christ! Not even a hobo would wanna sit on this couch. I’m a rejected couch... Can I sink any lower?

This is a pregnant's world

You know, you are fat when...

Some fresh air will do me good

I tried to leave the apartment today. I find myself trapped in a cage of emotions here and I need some space. Give me some space. Space! I got dressed and I went down the stairs, actually I used the elevator (I really like elevators). “Some fresh air will do me good” – at least that’s what I thought. But when I stood there about to open the front door to my building, I froze. I thought about my childhood, my little yellow bicycle. I fell and hurt my knee. I never forgave my bike. It was all his fault. I was a great bike rider. It was all his fault. I really need mustard now. And napkins.

Bye, bye feet.

My senses are improving. It must be the pregnancy. Now I can hear tiny footsteps in my apartment. As if a very small person was walking around here, especially at night. It’s a very strange, but fulfi lling experience. I feel mighty, I feel strong. The tiny, invisible person (I call him Lafayette) also makes tiny noises, not hearable to the normal person, but I hear them. I hear the peeps and the squeaks. I’ve also noticed that Lafayette likes garbage. And cheese.
Wait a minute!?!?

I’ve taken care of Lafayette. Lousy rat! He got what he deserved. My pregnancy has left me emotionally cold. I just grabbed the little rodent and placed him carefully outside the front door. I didn’t want to kill him. I’m very caring and emotional right now. It’s the pregnancy.

Craving of the day: Car

My cravings are changing from day to day. This morning, I felt a sudden urge to drag my finger alongside a Volvo, just to taste the dirt. And yes – it taste just as dusty as you would expect it to taste.

I'm pregnant - and I'am embracing it

I’m obsessed with knitting. I can’t keep my hands of the knitting needles. Sometimes I even fantasize about yarn. How beautiful they look in their different colors. How they look and how they might taste.

The craziest dream ever.

Today, It feels like I have some sort of mysterious fever. I woke up all dehydrated and my sheets were soaked in sweat. And I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I gave birth to a laptop. Hahahahahahahaha! A laptop!!!!!

Caught with the hand in the jar.

I’m eating. I’m constantly eating. I need salt. And sugar. My wife is spying on me.
But I’m smarter than she is. I really need cheese. And napkins. Lots of napkins! I’m not a slob. I might look fat and disgusting to you, but I’m not a slob. With God as my witness – I’m not a slob. WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SLOB???

Not my most manly moment.

I’m becoming suspicious of Denmark. There’s something going on down there.
Read Hamlet if you don’t believe me. They’re crazy. Bringing the world a perfect toy to build a parallel world with. Colored bricks, blue and red, political colors hidden to the eyes of a child, but naked to me. I see them. I see the colors, the mind games, the messages in the bricks. You can’t fool me, Denmark, oh no! The red bricks have a salty taste to them. I had to taste them today. This pregnancy is driving me crazy.
It’s a good thing that I am strong in mind. A weaker person would break down by now. But not me. Did you hear that, Denmark? Not me.

Breathe man, breathe.

Once upon a time I was an architect, or an archeologist, or something like that. I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter. Now I’m a product designer at Neonode. I used to be successful and happy, almost upbeat. Now – I’m pregnant. And beat. “What!? You’re pregnant!? How is that possible?” Quiet. I don’t want to talk about it. I just don’t. Let it go.

Damn it - I'm Godzilla

Have you ever met a pregnant woman? They are irrational and emotional. They go from a high to a low in an instant and they are very diffi cult to truly understand.
Meet me – a pregnant man, the worst of two worlds. But I’m coping with it in a great way. So far I haven’t noticed many changes in my behavior and my life hasn’t changed that much. Okay, I’ve started washing my feet with glycerin soap every 15 minutes and I’m solving my daily crosswords by only using numbers; it’s a simple system, actually, it’s all math. BCD is replaced by 1 and FGH is 2. All vowels are 3, except for E... never mind.

Craving of the day: Sweet & Sour

Hello Internet! Welcome to my blog.

I’m pregnant and I’m planned to deliver at the 12th of February. This is my diary.

My name is Björn and I’m expecting my fi rst child. Today, will be my last day at work, before I go on paternity leave. That’s why I set up this blog. I figured it would take my mind off the fact that I will be giving birth within two weeks.